Fleet Marine Life #136 – Art of Skating
In a very special article, I will discuss about the ancient Art of Skating.
By skating a few minutes a day away throughout your Marine Corps career, those skated minutes will add up and pay you dividends. By practicing the art of skating and trading valuable skating skills with other people, preferably from other sections, you will become a grand master capable of repelling higher ups like a Jedi.
There are several goals to skating and that depends on what you want. Do you want to look like Chesty Puller without doing all the work? Do you want to cruise by and still get out with an honorable discharge? Do you just want to not do anything that day?
I will give you, the reader, some tools to help you on your road to becoming a proficient skater in our beloved Cream Corn. Take what you need and employ the right tools at the right time for maximum success.
1. Volunteering
Ever hear the acronym, “NAVY?” It stands for “Never Again Volunteer Yourself.” Volunteering is pretty much always a shitty deal with little to no reward(s) or gratitude.
Contrary to what people may believe, volunteering can be a tool to help you skate. Let’s say you know, or think you know, that there’s a big pile of elephant shit that needs to be shoveled that day. Your SNCO just asked for some volunteers to do some paperwork. Initially, no one will raise their hands. Fools! Of course you do because you would rather do paperwork than shovel elephant shit for 5 hours.
2. Working close with the higher ups
Higher ups always spend most of their day roaming the offices and drinking coffee. They will never go out of their offices to see whatever anyone is doing, and for that reason, you will never get high pros and cons working outside of the office. Working in the office is possibly the skatest thing you can do. You don’t really have to do much and you’ll get high pros and cons for your minimal effort. How the hell do people end up with office billets? Well, you can either be:
1. Lucky
2. Female
There’s no other way other than these two, and I’m sorry for misleading some of you people.
3. Being Average
You don’t want to do too much work. If you become over depended on, you’ll dramatically reduce your chances of leaving that office. Ever. If you do too little work, you’ll face the risk of getting negative paperwork. You have to find the right balance.
Sometimes being below average is a MUST to getting away from your god-forsaken company.
There was this guy in my platoon that got caught sleeping on post in an Afghanistan FOB. He got NJP without loss of rank. He also got caught beating off in a third-country national’s trailer while watching porno on that guy’s computer.
When everyone came back from Afghanistan, this guy got assigned to work at the Single Marine Program (SMP). My platoon was asked for volunteers to work at the SMP and everyone raised both hands while jumping up and down.
If your company really doesn’t want you, they will get rid of you by any means possible. Even if it means sending your ass to work in Las Vegas.
4. Know your Borders/Lanes
You have to “test the waters” and see what your higher ups react to or not. Every time your higher ups do not react, you have to keep pushing little by little and continually see what you can and cannot get away with.
5. Evade Everything.
By default, you should be avoiding everything. By everything, I mean everything. Higher ups, working parties, volunteering, etc. Remember that hard work brings about more hard work. Here are some ways that can help you evade everything:
* “Taking a dump” and sleeping on the toilet.
* Sleeping in the supply closet.
* Sleeping in another person’s work area.
* Sleeping behind the dumpster.
Remember to keep your cell phone on just in case they ask you where you are. If you don’t, you risk facing paperwork.
6. Lie, lie, and lie some more.
Always have an alibi and excuse for whatever you are doing at that exact moment. Excuses are key! If you’re not doing something, make something up. Perpetually pretend your looking for something or someone.
To get high pros and cons with minimal effort, you have to pretend that you’re working. Just log on to a computer and whenever someone asks if you’re busy just say the following lines:
“Yes, I’ll be done in five minutes. I just need to look up MCO 1234.”
7. Take your Time
Again, hard work brings about more hard work. If you receive some work that takes 10 minutes to complete, you’ll want to complete it in 5 hours. The longer you drag on a task, the less tasks you will receive that day and in the future.
To become a master skater, you must appear not to be a skater. Deception is everything.
By employing the “Evade everything” and “Knowing my borders” tool, I was able to successfully evade my company for 30 whole bullshit-free days without anyone knowing or caring. When I had to return from doing TAD, I didn’t really seek any initiative to report to my company. I had 30 days on Okinawa left, and I knew my company was disorganized as hell, so I tried to see if I could skate hardcore and I was able to get away with it.
I asked the BEQ manager if I could live on the first floor because I left in 30 days. Great success! My company lived on the fourth floor. So far, “evading everyone” just got exponentially easier. Also my room was unmarked so no one could find me.
Under the guise of “checking out,” I was able to get out of every single formation, working party, meeting for 30 days. I never had to report in to anyone. They told me to, but I “tested the waters” and tried to see if I could get away with it. I did that day and the next and the next and the next…
Did I care? No. Did my higher ups care? Well, they certainly can’t care for a problem that they don’t know about.
Before the day I had to leave, a Sergeant was onto my game. I got out of a buddy’s room, a buddy who was also skating hardcore, and there just so happened to be a Sergeant from our company. He interrogated me. I can’t remember what we talked about, but I do remember the pissed-off face he had on while he was talking to me. There was nothing he could do to me because I left Okinawa the next day.
Stoffel said :
“pros and cons. sorry, I make it a game to make up acronyms at work and use them frequently. I’ve found if no one knows what your acronyms mean and you have an excel spreadsheet with lots of colors and bold lines, everyone thinks your busy. That, and a track ball mouse with lots of buttons. No body wants to take your computer then.”
Readers, share some skating stories.
Working without working since 1775.
I had an office at the end of my time in and spent a solid month typing my hand-written war journal. I looked like the busiest dude in the world.
Have to admit, though, I didn’t do a whole lot of skating during my time in. There was a 6-month period, where I was very depressed and dealing with PTSD, that I shirked some of my responsibilities, but other than the above example, I gave everything I could, believing that the mission was worthy.
Having said that, I skate the shit out of my civilian life. At my current job, I work maybe 30 minutes a day (been on the clock for 3+ hours today, and haven’t done anything but read comics). In the job prior, I used to spend many days working full-time for another company, but they thought I was busting my ass for them. I did this because they cheated me on $10,000 in commissions.
For 3 summers I had a security job, patrolling 500 acres on an ATV. Initially I was driving around 8 hours a day. A local cop told me to make a round every two hours to create a presence, and then find a spot to hang out. That was the magic formula. I’d read, eat, workout, and just wait for quitting time.
I was recently promoted to a very desirable position. Someone said to me, ‘you’re actually going to have to work there.’ I doubt it. My plan is to do something really exceptional off the bat, creating a process that everyone wants, but no one can replicate. At most, I might have to work for 3-4 hours a day, but some, if not all, of that will be overtime. That’s another thing; don’t work too hard, and don’t do anything for free. If someone promises you a partnership at the end of your sweat and tyranny, don’t believe it – it’s just a carrot at the end of a stick you’re going to get beat with. Unless it’s your dad or mom making the promise, you’re not getting shit, so you should skate because they’re going to take everything from you that they can; your job is to do the same.
PS – skate rearranged = takes. Coincidence?
I just recently started skating and find it to be my new calling. Ever since I hit the FMF I noticed my motivation dropping at an exponential rate. What once was a motivated young pup became a unmotivated shell of a man. So now I’ve embraced the shitbag culture and have decided to NGAF any more. It’s like a game every time you leave you barracks you gotta be on edge. You see some one wAlking towards you swing the other way cuz he probably out ranks you. Check comers before you turn because good ol’ cpl so and so might be around the corner. And it goes without sayin with skating goes a good amount of buddyfucking, I leave it at that. In a nutshell just keep your shit on point.
1. Tell your Data guys that the computer wont recognize your CAC card. They will tell you to go to pass and ID and get new certs.
2. While you can’t plug your laptop into the network, you can put your laptop under your desk and plug your monitor into it. Alt + Tab to switch from your game to your elaborately prepared spread sheet.
3. The Vault is the ultimate place to skate. S2 makes every skater in the Corps look like a boot. If you don’t know what the vault is, you’re probably not getting in.
More to come, I’m sure.
Awesome comic, even better article. I especially like the introduction
“By skating a few minutes a day away throughout your Marine Corps career, those skated minutes will add up and pay you dividends. By practicing the art of skating and trading valuable skating skills with other people, preferably from other sections, you will become a grand master capable of repelling higher ups like a Jedi.”
I think it would be awesome if that popped up in your sites description for SEO.
Oh and btw, I am trying to pimp your site out via facebook to try and more readers. Maybe you should set up the facebook and twitter stuffs for your site soon. If you need my assistance with the set up just let me know.
Keep up the awesome work!
I don’t want to manage a FB or a twitter site. You can do whatever you want with my comics as long as you don’t change anything.
Let me pass around the miracle of the falsified checkout sheet: When you get your checkout sheet get like 4 or 5 signatures on it, and then make a copy, then when ever someone asks to see your sheet you show them the copy (occasionally adding a couple of falsified signatures to show progress). Meanwhile you can knock out your checkout sheet as quickly as possible, so that way you know that it’s done, meanwhile you can show your command that you’re not done so you can continue to skate while they think you’re checking out.
Note: If you’re going to do this, make sure you have alibis ready to go. Some good ones include “Their computer system was done so they couldn’t check me out of the system so I have to go back” and “They said the Master Sergeant has to sign the sheet and he’s not going to be in today.”
And K, just so you know, I’m gonna start work on another piece for the site sometime soon, this one has been a long time coming so I want to make sure it’s exactly right, so it might take a while.
Errrr………
S.K.A.T.E
Seek cover, Keep a low profile, Avoid your chain of command, Take your time, Enjoy yourself. I use these words every day and it works. I too am currently checking out of okitraz and I have managed to avoid pretty much all work within the last 30 days. This week i will skate to my maximum potential. If all goes well, I will not show up to work on okinawa ever again. I consider myself a pretty good skater. I could write a book on how to skate but everyone learns. Tomorrow I will be in my room all day because to my unit I am “checking out”. I think I’ll hit up the palms and get some breakfast and then call my wife. And to make every thing better I am going to be on vacation for 35 days!!! how skatastic!!..Anyone got any tips on how to skate when your EAS is coming up? I wanna milk it for all its got. Thanks
One statement, “I’m going to XXXXX to check out.” XXXXX being anything and everything. Checking out is a process that can take, in theory, 2 days to complete. Of course, no one is usually that motivated to do that. Thus this process is always dragged out for months.
Not true. I had all my signatures for checkout in 3 days. The I skated for a month.
For 2 months I was assigned to the Special Operations Training Group. It was SKATE!! I was the ammo driver which made it all the more skate. I showed up on Mon, drove the ammo to the destination. Then I did nothing until Fri when the ammo had to be returned. Dealing with the ASP (ammo supply point) is usually a nightmare, but I had a friend in there. What usually takes 5 hours at the ASP took me 30 minutes. Technically every Fri I was supposed to return to the company, but I just drove home.
Skating, it’s a very delicate art. Measure the success of your skating by seeing how long you can go without any real ramifications. For me, I got NJP’d on the last month of my contract. Being on restriction until I got out just made EASing feel all the more free.